Friday, October 24, 2008

my junk

i have some serious junk, not necessarily in my life, but inside me. i'm just so insecure these days (or for the past year). i just feel like CRAP all the time. so i stuff myself with food to make myself feel better. it is a horrible habit. so far it hasn't really affected my weight but it will soon if i don't get control.

i don't know where to begin, but i really think the move to norway took me over the edge. having a kid with DS really wasn't that hard for me to deal with. honestly. i had such a huge community of friends and family who poured out so much love over me, ben and phoenix, that i got through the "shock" and the first-time mom stuff pretty well. plus, all the doctors, nurses, medical staff and AMAZING THERAPISTS encouraged us so much...

...then we moved to norway and i had NOTHING. 

NO ONE. i haven't met anyone who really knows anything about DS or recent research. there is NO EARLY INTERVENTION here (at least not that i am aware of) so i have no experts to help me. ok, so that was hard...

...then rio came.

rio is the sweetest little thing. he requires so little of me. he just needs to nurse and then he's off exploring on his own. he's so content. but having two kids, moving to a new country, no friends, in the middle of "the darkness" really KICKED MY ASS! it did. the "terrible 2s" kicked my ass too. motherhood and all this other stuff led to so much SELF-DOUBT. arg, i just can't handle it anymore. i can't just "get over it". it keeps coming back. 

now i have insecurities at work. i enjoy my job as a special ed aide, but i'm working in a foreign language which makes things so hard. i don't feel like myself because i can't express myself. i LOVE people but now i'm just quiet and laugh when everyone else does. my co-workers must think i'm such a wierdo! and i so yearn "to be known" by them, but i just don't have the "language" for it.

its all so frustrating. it leads to self-doubt as a mom and a wife. i feel so lost...and now that i try to eat myself back to happiness i just feel fat and gross and unhealthy and like a bad example to my kids...then i feel even worse. it is a bad, bad cycle. 

that is my junk. 

4 comments:

tekeal said...

oh wow, your post really touches home. our stories are not identical, but enough similarities exist that i want to reach a big arm out to you and give you a hug. just to say i understand. it is ALOT to do any of the things you've mentioned- moving to a new country, having to function in a foreign language that's not yet your skin, becoming a mother... i too know well how to use food as a buffer to help deal with the overwhelm of feelings. i've learned over the years to be more compassionate with myself when these times are particularly intense, but it's not easy. and regarding the language barrier, i still feel like i'm standing behind a veil so much of the time. sometimes i actually like being on the outside edge of the communication radius, observing...and then other times i feel horribly inadequate in representing myself (or livia's needs) in a way that feels authentic, precise and real. i wish you had more support within the down syndrome circle too..
and i feel it and hear it all around me: becoming a mother digs up ALL the dirty stuff inside! it's been a shock to me how much junk i hang out in as well...thank god the sweet things emerge too. knowing you're up there dealing with life and all its challenges is one of them. keep going, one little step at a time. and be gentle with yourself.
tekeal

Lynn said...

I love you cort. Love your honesty. Thank you. Your words have been an outlet for my own yearning to express the pent up feelings in me too. The crux being that I feel insecure in EVERYTHING. My job, my marraige, my parenting, my volunteering, my friendships, everything. Thank you for your openness. I miss you. God knows you... he knows the groans that you can't express. Let this "dark" time be a time where HIS light shines BRIGHT for you. Let His completeness FILL you when you are empty. I can't imagine what you're going through.... I love you and am praying for you... and am beside you in this crazy, backward, shadow world... your sister... always.

Sari said...

Dearest friend, thank you for your honesty though it is hard to write sometimes.. You give me strength to be honest as well and those "honesty" posts are the best! I too have struggled and struggle with so much like you and have finally just given it all to Him because I just can not do it. Life is hard and just when you think you have mastered one hill, another is waiting for you.

You are such a strong woman and mother! And an incredible friend. Thank you for sharing from your heart and know that you are in my prayers. Always.

Christina said...

Hey There

I just read your whole blog :-D
I love it, I am adding you to my links now!

I know what it feels like. I moved to Austria in March 2006 knowing only the girlfriends of Bs friends... And some of them are nice, but they are not MY friends. Through my store I have come a cross a few Swedes and we now get together every last Tuesday in the month at a restaurant in Graz. I organized that.
As for the DS, are there no DS groups? There should be a national DS org in Norway too?
I know of this one Norweigan lady wo posts on DownSyn sometimes. Do a search of location and I think you will find her.

If you get too bored you can always come down to Austria and hang?

Oh yeah, a lot of the American people I have met seem to be hockey wives. Is there a hockey club around? I am sure they imported alot of Americans.

Best wishes
Christina