SURPRISE!

I've been home in the States since Thursday, February 12. I decided to surprise my dad on his 79th birthday. Neither of my parents knew that Rio and I were coming. My parents were out to dinner with my brother for the occassion and we just walked in casually with my sister-in-law. It wasn't before I was inches away from the table that the realized it was me! It was so fun to surprise them! And then drop the bomb that I'm pregnant too! My mom looked like she'd seen a ghost when she saw me and Rio. I'll post pictures soon.

Its just me and Rio because we're saving money to move back to the US eventually so Ben and Phoenix (since his ticket cost 80% of an adult ticket) stayed behind. I miss them...

Dress-up and distress

Dress-up was so fun! Totally worth the money for these adorable outfits. The cowboy one is my favorite!

Distress. Ugh, I'm still recovering from the weekend. Ben has been out-of-town at a funeral for 5 days.  Thank God he's coming home tonight and for the moment I never want him to leave me alone in Tromsø again!

This part of the post is going to blame Tromsø for everything! But the big thing is that motherhood is not easy for me. Well, mothering two kids that is. My anger issues and now my compulsive overeating disorder (self-diagnosed but I'm definitely going down that road if I don't get some control) started with the birth of Rio. I'm sure I had these issues before but having 2 kids just brought it clearly to the surface (maybe a good thing). Oh no, what will child #3 bring out in me? 

So I went to the gym on my new membership. Kept getting interrupted by the daycare provider. But no problem. I was thankful that someone was watching them so that I could work out. I thanked them a million times and thanked Phoenix and Rio too. 

I was excited to take the kids to a free music concert, part of the Northern Lights Festival. We got kicked out basically because Phoenix BREATHED and I just flipped. THERE IS NOTHING TO DO HERE AND NO CULTURAL EXPERIENCES AVAILABLE FOR KIDS. I HATE IT SO MUCH. I CAN'T JUST GO FOR HIKE WITH THEM ALL THE TIME! 

I've been keeping it together for awhile as Ben has had shoulder surgery and can't help at all with the kids' basic needs (changing diapers, getting them dressed, pick up/delivery at daycare) and now him being gone. 

It was just too much. I really had a break down and it continued today. AND NOW Ben just called to say that his plane was cancelled due to strong winds (but he's a prankster so I'm sure if I actually believe him!). 

Anyway, I totally failed as a parent. I lost it on my kids in a really bad way. I'm constantly asking myself, "Why can't I do this? Why can't I handle it? Why am I so unsure about my decisions?" All in relationship to being a parent. Thank God I have good friends who can be honest with me about their own parenting struggles. Often I feel so alone in this struggle but I am grateful that I'm not. I just need to share it with people instead of just trying to handle it all on my own or with an apology. 

There is so much more but now its late and I'm just emotionally exhausted. 

Cute pictures though, huh? So grateful that there is so much joy to be had despite life's junk.