Thursday, April 15, 2010

Elin´s passing

Elin committed suicide and was buried on Tuesday. I didn´t really know Elin. She was Ben´s dad´s youngest brother´s ex. They had two daughters together. I remember that she wore a red velvet dress to our wedding and that her ex´s toast to us was, "Don´t Marry, Be Happy"! She didn´t have the best reputation according to the family. I think that if you met her in a bar you´d say, "That b#$%& is crazy" and stop talking to her, especially if she was under the influence. Her two children were actually wards of the state, taken away from her by DCFS/barnevern.

Yet I have been so touched by her death. Each time I am reminded it brings a deep sadness to my heart and nearly tears to my eyes. It is so terrible that she believed that this world would be better off without her, no one would care that she was gone, that her daughters would be better off without a mother, that she thought she was so worthless that she actually went through with it. Or who knows the lies that she told herself and believed.

But I GET IT. I get those thoughts. Since the birth of my third son I feel like I have been living in a black hole of despair. I mean it. It has sucked big time. When I visited my friends in Tromsø and I later heard that they were "worried" about me I told that they had reason to be. I really GET why people cut or become bulimic, why Britney Spears shaved her head and why people don´t ask for help (OH WAIT...THEY USUALLY DO BUT PEOPLE DON´T LISTEN, THEY JUST GIVE THEIR OWN ADVICE!...ok, the capital letters makes it sound like I´m really angry at someone but this is a reminder to myself as well as others that we could all be better at listening and affirming.)

So while I GET IT, I haven´t cut, thrown up or shaved my head or committed suicide, like Elin. It saddens me that while we were both mothers, both with struggles, that I am the only one still living.

Edited: Sorry if I alarmed anyone. With the return of the sun, good friends and God´s grace, I now see past the despair. Although like many of us, I still have my days! This post was really about how my experiences have allowed to be more empathetic.


Lynn said...

Cort, I'm so glad that you have been honest about your feelings and that you will be back in the states soon!!! I love you. for your honesty, courage, and love. You are a treasure to your family and to your friends.

Sari said...

Oh Cortsa, your blog brought tears to my eyes dear friend. I am so sorry for your family's loss.

I just posted something on my strange..

Wish I could wrap you n a tight hug. Prayers for you to keep taking one day at a time and gather yourself mentally and physically and come home. Much love -

viola said...

Cortina, my dearest, I DO GET YOU.
I m deeply touched that u take up this subject and are so candid about it. Elin´s life didn´t need to be lost...i hope she travels in peace now. We must remember that in being a Human we all have and at some point of our lives are faced with our darkness.We do not need to be scared of this. It is a part of living the Life as a Human Being. What we need to understand is that we truly are Travellers of Light and alongside the shadows there is always Light. No darkness needs to get too deep for us to climb out of. We all need to see to our fellow travellers and reach out to them when we see that they have for some reason gotten lost in the dark. Sometimes all it really takes, as you also say Cortina, some true listening and hearing of the lost traveller. I once read somewhere that in some country in Africa people passing by each other stop,look each other in eyes and greet each other by saying "I see you". This is what all human beings long for - to be listened, heard and yes, also to be seen by a fellow traveller. Please Cortina, make peace with the dark,seek to your Light, walk with it and walk in it.Always walk in it. My Dearest, you too are a True Traveller of Light.Your Light is pure and shines brightly - just let it. Amiga mia,
i love you and I DO SEE YOU!