Sunday, March 22, 2009

Home at the Nystads

So we're home in Båtsfjord now, Ben's hometown that is. He and Rio arrived a few days before Phoenix and I. Naturally it is strange to be here without Ben's dad. I guess I would say that everyone is doing alright now. Ben's mom said things got easier once her two children arrived home. There isn't a lot of crying like in the first days but there is still that huge sense of loss lingering in the house.

Ben's dad was one of 10 siblings. They are spread all over Norway and Germany but they will all be arriving for the funeral which is on Tuesday. Many of them are here already and it is great that the house is full of them and others filing in and out. There are lots of stories shared and lots of laughter. On the table is a digital frame constantly displaying images of Roy. I'm so glad that they are celebrating him in this way and not "hiding" everything that reminds them of him.

As for me, I haven't cried a lot. I've never lost anyone really close to me. I cried when Ben told me the news and then I cried when he and Rio left for Båtsfjord. Ben is so curious as to why I haven't cried. Fortunately he doesn't believe that I didn't love his dad. He's just wondering if it my faith or a strength? I'm asking myself the same question.

I guess one reason I haven't cried so much is that I don't feel like it is my place. I want to give my support to those who need it- Ben, his sis and his mom. He was my father-in-law and we lived in different countries most of the time. Again, I just don't feel like it is my place. I mean I don't want any of them comforting me in a time that they really need the comfort. But also, and this is very strange as Ben made clear to me, I just don't fear death. Of course losing someone who you shared life with is terrible but he was a faithful Jehovah's Witness and therefore everyone believes that he is in a good place so I just feel like it is a time to celebrate him, be thankful for the moments that we did share with him and to serve as a reminder that life is short and we better live it to the fullest- for God, for our family or for whatever your deepest cause is. Of course there is an emptiness but in the end I have chosen to believe that God is good and deserves our praise even in pain and emptiness. Arg, am I heartless? Am I overconfident, stupid? Am I not dealing with some issues I have?

It is a very strange time.


Sari said...

Love your post Cortina. During such a "hard" time, and a sad time for many, clinging to your faith and love for Jesus Christ, knowing that your father-in-law is in a better place-the place we all strive for, is and should be a comfort. And your unselfishness with wanting the attention to be on the family instead of you is beautiful and warm. Maybe sharing your words or Ben reading your thoughts might ease him a little as well. Perhaps everyone is simply going through some automatic motions.. either way you are all thought of so fondly and lovingly and we pray for peace, and strength during this difficult time. You have a faith that is to be admired Cortsa-truly.

Thank you for the update.

Trish said...

My heart goes out to Ben and his family right now...I was so sorry to hear the news, I had been wondering why you hadn't posted.

I certainly second what Sari said, I don't think you are heartless! Rather, it seems that you are being very compassionate and caring as you try to be there for Ben and his mom and sister. I hope that the extended family can enjoy each other's company as they celebrate Roy's life, which it sounds like they are doing, and that you will not have any lingering doubts about what you "should" be doing. It sounds like you are supporting those who need you, and that is a wonderful gift! Love you lots and you are in my prayers.

Melanie-Pearl said...

i think there are several of us who could say we know someone who unrightfully sucked up all the sympathy during a hard time---it is very refreshing to read your post.

you don't sound crazy. you sound incredibly sane and strong. own your good faith with confidence.

am considering Ben and his mom, your kids, you, in my thoughts and prayerful ramblings.