Sunday, March 29, 2009

Going solo

I'll be leaving Båtsfjord in a few minutes and I'll be flying "home" to Tromsø alone. Phoenix and Rio will be staying with Ben, his sister and his mom for the next week while I work. Then I'll fly back for 10 more days before we all drive to Tromsø.

At first I thought this was a fabulous idea- to have a week to myself!!! But now I'm dreading it. With the loss of Ben's dad on my heart (it just digs up all the junk in your life when tragedy occurs), I don't really want to be alone. And although I have friends in Tromsø, I long for my family and friends of old. I'm struggling with trying to be supportive when actually I'm going through some stuff too as a result of Roy's death. I've got the guilties about thinking about myself- how selfish!

I wonder how our future plans will change. Ben is naturally turning to his faith, something which divides us (at least I feel that way). And I just miss being around people who know me. They remind me of who I AM. Because right now I'm just unsure about all that stuff.

I'm going to miss my babies like crazy. One or two nights off from mommyhood would probably have been enough. And Ben and I- we're just not communicating at the moment. What a challeging time! But I trust that we will learn and grown as a result. (Although honestly I just want to curl up in a ball in my bed and not deal with any of this. UGH!)

Praises be to the Lord in all types of weather!

(p.s. won't have the computer all week so I'll post next week.)


Anonymous said...

Dearest Cortsa,

Hard and difficult times test us all and put a strain on the best of relationships.. you are not alone. God is walking with you and wants to take this all from you so give it to Him. And take this MUCH needed week to just be. It is so hard for us Mom's to truly do that but with all that you have going on, take some time for you to rest, to grieve, to heal. And to take care of yourself. You give freely to comfort others and make sure they are ok but you need some time as well. You are probably exhausted and tired and emotions are running every which way..
The boys will be fine as will Ben and a week will FLY by! That I know from personal experience. Take a deep breath and take good care of yourself and the sweet baby inside of you.

We are praying for strength, peace, and all things good for you all.

Much love from SC

Melanie-Pearl said...

I think if you didn't feel the pain of missing your FIL, it might mean something worse about you than "the guilties" would mean. You had your own role with him, and your own role in the grieving.

I am sorry that you have to go through this, but i think going through this is your healthiest option. Praying you'll have grace and patience and love to care for yourself during this time.

...even if that means balling up on your bed for awhile.