Sunday, February 1, 2009

Dress-up and distress

Dress-up was so fun! Totally worth the money for these adorable outfits. The cowboy one is my favorite!

Distress. Ugh, I'm still recovering from the weekend. Ben has been out-of-town at a funeral for 5 days.  Thank God he's coming home tonight and for the moment I never want him to leave me alone in Tromsø again!

This part of the post is going to blame Tromsø for everything! But the big thing is that motherhood is not easy for me. Well, mothering two kids that is. My anger issues and now my compulsive overeating disorder (self-diagnosed but I'm definitely going down that road if I don't get some control) started with the birth of Rio. I'm sure I had these issues before but having 2 kids just brought it clearly to the surface (maybe a good thing). Oh no, what will child #3 bring out in me? 

So I went to the gym on my new membership. Kept getting interrupted by the daycare provider. But no problem. I was thankful that someone was watching them so that I could work out. I thanked them a million times and thanked Phoenix and Rio too. 

I was excited to take the kids to a free music concert, part of the Northern Lights Festival. We got kicked out basically because Phoenix BREATHED and I just flipped. THERE IS NOTHING TO DO HERE AND NO CULTURAL EXPERIENCES AVAILABLE FOR KIDS. I HATE IT SO MUCH. I CAN'T JUST GO FOR HIKE WITH THEM ALL THE TIME! 

I've been keeping it together for awhile as Ben has had shoulder surgery and can't help at all with the kids' basic needs (changing diapers, getting them dressed, pick up/delivery at daycare) and now him being gone. 

It was just too much. I really had a break down and it continued today. AND NOW Ben just called to say that his plane was cancelled due to strong winds (but he's a prankster so I'm sure if I actually believe him!). 

Anyway, I totally failed as a parent. I lost it on my kids in a really bad way. I'm constantly asking myself, "Why can't I do this? Why can't I handle it? Why am I so unsure about my decisions?" All in relationship to being a parent. Thank God I have good friends who can be honest with me about their own parenting struggles. Often I feel so alone in this struggle but I am grateful that I'm not. I just need to share it with people instead of just trying to handle it all on my own or with an apology. 

There is so much more but now its late and I'm just emotionally exhausted. 

Cute pictures though, huh? So grateful that there is so much joy to be had despite life's junk.  


Merley95 said...

I feel like I wasn't there nearly long enough. We just didn't get enough "talk time!" I am so glad you are going home soon for a visit and hope you will feel refreshed and reconnected. Sometimes we just need a touchstone. I know I can't share the parenting struggles but I'll listen and I'm just a Skype away- in your own time zone!

Syncopa said...

I've lost it on all of my kids. Time and time again. What seperates good parents from bad parents is very often that good parents have this on-going process of evaluating their parenting. I'd be worried if you'd lost it and then had moved on with a shrug of your shoulders.
You're pregnant, too, dear. Not sure about you, but I was a borderline bitch 95% of the time when I was preggers - I was probably allergic to those darned hormones ;-)
Give yourself some slack. You're a great mom to two great little boys, and it IS hard. To top it off, you're in a strange, dark country which, compared to a big US city, must so totally feel like being stuck in the sticks. You're allowed to go insane every now and then - as long as you go back to sane again ;-)
Sending a bunch of hugs your way, and hoping for the days to pass fast - so the light will come back!
PS: I LOVE that cowboy outfit, where'd you get it?

Kristen said...

OH.MY.GOSH. Those are the most precious pictures!

Merley95 said...

By the way, I think I'm going to have to come back for a second visit. I brought my headlamp for a dance party and we didn't have one. And I totally missed out on the costume fun! Not to mention that we didn't make any chocolate chip cookies or listen to the Grateful Dead!

Sari said...

Dearest C, you are not alone! And certainly not a failure. Parenting is H.A.R.D no matter who you are. We all have the days where we lose it but you know what, you pick yourself up, learn from the mistakes, and try again.

Dear friend, I often think that you are one of the strongest women I know - You have two little ones and in the early stages of little one#3. You live in a country far away from family and friends, in a country that survives on minimal amount of sun this time of the year, where you are still learning the language even so stop being so hard on yourself.

I LOVE how honest you are because on the days when I am unsure as well, it is so nice to find out that you are not alone.

Hang in there girlfriend! My prayers are with you for strength and peace and sanity. :O)

I must say though that your boys are TOO CUTE! LOVE love love the pics!

Love and hugs from Sc

tekeal said...

hi cortina. nice to hear from you again.. those outfits are pretty darn adorable!

i hope you have a really nourishing time back home... sounds like you need it. my highest goal in really challenging times is to be as gentle with myself as possible. i'll send you loads of 'gentle energy for deserving self' from bern, ok?

and like it's been already said: parenting is hard. way more pushing all my buttons than i had ever expected. take care, xx tekeal