- i took a pregnancy test and it was positive!!! yes, joy. yes, we were "trying".
(BY THE WAY, PLEASE DON'T TALK ABOUT THIS. MY PARENTS DON'T KNOW YET, NOR DO MY CO-WORKERS AND I'D LIKE IT TO STAY THAT WAY UNTIL I'M PAST THE THIRD TRIMESTER IN FEBRUARY. thank you for respecting this.)
but quickly came the, OH SHIT! and fear, depression. mostly related to phoenix. i really wanted to be back in the US so that phoenix could begin school (he's already missed one year) and get the therapies he needs and deserves. almost no services exist here, none that phoenix qualifies for at least, and the school system is the worst in europe. if we do have to stay (unstable job market in the US, an ENTIRE YEAR of paid maternity leave here) i'll home school phoenix and rio part-time and have them in daycare the rest of the time so that i can take care of the newborn. but, again, i just wonder if things would be better in the US. i know that i miss home and friends a lot.
-all in all, i just want to sleep all the time. i am lazy and have no motivation no matter how hard i try. then i get mad at myself for the self-pity. but i'm so blessed and believe in a god of love who will provide me with anything i need!!!!
- other than that big stuff, rio and i will be visiting the US to attend a friend's wedding in february (couldn't afford the nearly full-price ticket for phoenix too). we'll arrive on my dad's birthday and surprise him while he's out to dinner with my mom and brother. my sister-in-law is planning it. can't wait!
- had the worst christmas on record! as i've written before, my husband is a jehovah's witness so there's no celebrating anything. i try to celebrate, to keep some traditions going, but it is really hard. it just feels empty and fake to celebrate "a little" but not ALL of it. i sulked for 2 days and cried a lot. how are we going to solve this problem in the future? will we have any traditions? i think they're important and build family bonds. UGH. hate this time of the year. and in norway it's like christmas doesn't end until new year's so i'm just feeling suffocated all the time.
- still, i baked my first turkey and had all the trimmings...green bean casserole, baked sweet potatoes with marshmallows, creamed corn casserole with jiffy corn bread mix (my mom brought over 6 boxes when she visited last year), homemade stuffing (sucked) and trader joe's corn bread muffins (christmas gift from my mom).
- ben has been amazing though. i couldn't ask for a more "close-to-perfect" husband. he ENJOYS housework and i hate it. and never complains that i'm lazy while he's cleaning. he's amazing. i was sick in bed for 2 days and he did EVERYTHING without complaining even though he is plagued with back aches and headaches lately. he's just amazing. i hate that i still want perfection from him. i want to be thankful for what i have.
BLAH! BLAH! BLAH! let's blame this pity-party and all the tears attached to it on the pregnancy.
-oh, and i read THE MEMORY KEEPER'S DAUGHTER. totally worth reading but i'm still pissed about it!