Changes 2

So Ben did get fired after all, although illegally. Ben went to the union and told him the reason that he was getting let-go and they agreed to take his case. Ben's boss offered him a deal and the case was settled out of court. Yes, a dramatic and sad ending to a job that Ben sincerely loved, but in a way it works out perfectly with our desire to move to south Norway.

So we'll be out of Tromsø in July and back in Båtsfjord until Ben finds a job. (Ugh, part of me doesn't like that idea- don't want to get stuck in that little place.) Who knows where I'll give birth! Maybe I'll finally get to take the private plane to the hospital! And it will be berry-picking season in Båtsfjord. Plus, Ben's sister will be visiting again. All good stuff.

We are both excited about starting another chapter in this Norway adventure. Makes us feel free-spirited and spontaneous even though we will soon have 3 kids! Where will we live and work? Who will we befriend? Will we get to travel more often since we'll be down south? Who will come visit? Still, settling down (wow, are those words coming out of my mouth?) and planting roots somewhere could be equally fun...

Good songs

They speak!!!!

I could watch this a million times! Rio's face is so cute. He's trying to get his lips to do what he wants them to do! And Phoenix is just adorable. AND SO GOOD at saying "Rio". We're so proud of him!

Baby news

OK, I haven't given out too many details. But after the ultrasound I finally have a due date of July 25th. I hadn't gotten my period after Rio's birth so I didn't know before. Hoping for a daughter, Ben really wanted to find out the sex (it was a surprise with both Phoenix and Rio)...probably a boy! Good, because I have way too many baby clothes already!

The baby is moving around like crazy!!! Way more than either Phoenix or Rio. I have been feeling fantastic luckily. I was dog-tired the first trimester but since those first 12 weeks things have been wonderful. However, I already feel that I have to let go of my "status" as THE ONE AND ONLY in terms of Rio and let Dad take over. I'm tired after work and don't have the energy to horse around with them like I used to. Ben is better at that anyway! Just something that prepares us as mothers for the meeting the needs of a newborn. :)

I will post belly pictures soon for those of you who are asking!

Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers.

Changes

I really thought we'd be back in the US in the next year. We had decided that we were thoroughly DONE with "life in the arctic circle". I'm really gung-ho about raising Phoenix in the US, where there is so much support like Gigi's Playhouse, Special Olympics and access to all kinds of therapies. But with the death of Ben's dad a lot has changed.

I'm fine with that. I totally agree with Ben that we need to stick around until Ben's mom is back on her feet. We never even discussed it. We are both on the same page. We had felt the same way about my parents. That was an additional reason for us to move back to the US, to be near my parents who are in their late 70s.

Anyway, now that we're staying around here I'm so homesick! I realize that no matter where we are we will always miss where we have been. But for the moment I am dreaming of Chicago. I yearn for Foster Beach, Clark and Belmont, the beautiful homes of Lincoln Park, our old neighborhood Bucktown, a Cubs game, smelly Wrigleyville the day after, Tre Kronor, etc.

And one more thing...Ben has been on disability since January because of his shoulder surgery (it used to pop out of joint all the time). But in the mean time his boss told him that things are so slow at work that Ben will probably be let go. Which we were kind of EXCITED about! A good reason to move to south to Oslo (no more arctic circle snowstorms in April!). Ben has applied for four jobs in Oslo in the last week. But when he talked to co-workers today they said that they were overwhelmed with the amount of work. He'll find out tomorrow on his first day back!

So in the last month we've gone from moving the US to staying in Norway to moving to Oslo to staying here...and the place we rent is up for sale so we have to move no matter what!

:) ah, life!

Phoenix snowmobiles!

First ride!

Upset that the first ride had to end!

Ordo Valley, Easter 2009

Ordo by snowmobile

One of my favorite things in THE WORLD is snowmobiling in Båtsfjord during spring break. The weather is usually fantastic, meaning long sunny days, lots of blue sky and this amazing landscape.

On this trip the four of us piled on the snowmobile- Phoenix in front, then Ben, Rio (who only a couple days ago ran and hid at just the SOUND of the snowmobile) and myself on the back- and enjoyed an hour long ride through Ordo Valley, one of the longest valleys in all of Norway. We visited at our friend's cabin and did a little ice fishing, grilling and eating and mostly just hanging out living the cabin life for a day.

Going solo

I'll be leaving Båtsfjord in a few minutes and I'll be flying "home" to Tromsø alone. Phoenix and Rio will be staying with Ben, his sister and his mom for the next week while I work. Then I'll fly back for 10 more days before we all drive to Tromsø.

At first I thought this was a fabulous idea- to have a week to myself!!! But now I'm dreading it. With the loss of Ben's dad on my heart (it just digs up all the junk in your life when tragedy occurs), I don't really want to be alone. And although I have friends in Tromsø, I long for my family and friends of old. I'm struggling with trying to be supportive when actually I'm going through some stuff too as a result of Roy's death. I've got the guilties about thinking about myself- how selfish!

I wonder how our future plans will change. Ben is naturally turning to his faith, something which divides us (at least I feel that way). And I just miss being around people who know me. They remind me of who I AM. Because right now I'm just unsure about all that stuff.

I'm going to miss my babies like crazy. One or two nights off from mommyhood would probably have been enough. And Ben and I- we're just not communicating at the moment. What a challeging time! But I trust that we will learn and grown as a result. (Although honestly I just want to curl up in a ball in my bed and not deal with any of this. UGH!)

Praises be to the Lord in all types of weather!

(p.s. won't have the computer all week so I'll post next week.)

The day after

I keep hearing people say "the worst is over", meaning the funeral. But I feel like the worst is just beginning. Family members are already flying out today and now we have to cope with normal everyday life without Roy. I think that is going to be the hardest...going through our daily routines in such a way that we look ok on the outside but holding back tears here and there or lying awake at night thinking about him. (And I mean "we" as in those closest to Roy, not necessarily me. I already see this struggle on Ben's face this morning.)

It was a closed-casket ceremony but the day before family members were allowed to view the body. I didn't feel any need to do this but at the last second, since the boys seemed content with Grandma and the others, I decided to join Ben, his sister and a couple others. I'm so glad I was able to be there for Ben. It was a really strange thing being there. He was dressed in white in a white coffin in a small room with candles and roses. When we walked in he had a white satin cloth over his face that was so dramatically removed once we'd all gathered around the casket. Having seen way too many movies, Ben and I feared he was going to wake up suddenly and grab us or something. But Ben's sister eased everyone's akwardness.

She went right up to her dad's cold, lifeless body and started caressing his hands, his cheeks and running her fingers through his hair. It was so beautiful. It was so loving. That is when I lost it. That is when I realized the magnitude of this loss...losing a parent! Although Ben's sister lives in New York she talked to her dad every single night for at least one hour. She hadn't seen him in many months. Yet she was so thankful just to see his dead body and to have the opportunity to hold him again. The rest of us stayed there about 30 minutes. She was in there with the body for over an hour. In the end Ben was in the parking lot beeping the horn for her to come out!!!

Home at the Nystads

So we're home in Båtsfjord now, Ben's hometown that is. He and Rio arrived a few days before Phoenix and I. Naturally it is strange to be here without Ben's dad. I guess I would say that everyone is doing alright now. Ben's mom said things got easier once her two children arrived home. There isn't a lot of crying like in the first days but there is still that huge sense of loss lingering in the house.

Ben's dad was one of 10 siblings. They are spread all over Norway and Germany but they will all be arriving for the funeral which is on Tuesday. Many of them are here already and it is great that the house is full of them and others filing in and out. There are lots of stories shared and lots of laughter. On the table is a digital frame constantly displaying images of Roy. I'm so glad that they are celebrating him in this way and not "hiding" everything that reminds them of him.

As for me, I haven't cried a lot. I've never lost anyone really close to me. I cried when Ben told me the news and then I cried when he and Rio left for Båtsfjord. Ben is so curious as to why I haven't cried. Fortunately he doesn't believe that I didn't love his dad. He's just wondering if it my faith or a strength? I'm asking myself the same question.

I guess one reason I haven't cried so much is that I don't feel like it is my place. I want to give my support to those who need it- Ben, his sis and his mom. He was my father-in-law and we lived in different countries most of the time. Again, I just don't feel like it is my place. I mean I don't want any of them comforting me in a time that they really need the comfort. But also, and this is very strange as Ben made clear to me, I just don't fear death. Of course losing someone who you shared life with is terrible but he was a faithful Jehovah's Witness and therefore everyone believes that he is in a good place so I just feel like it is a time to celebrate him, be thankful for the moments that we did share with him and to serve as a reminder that life is short and we better live it to the fullest- for God, for our family or for whatever your deepest cause is. Of course there is an emptiness but in the end I have chosen to believe that God is good and deserves our praise even in pain and emptiness. Arg, am I heartless? Am I overconfident, stupid? Am I not dealing with some issues I have?

It is a very strange time.

In memory of

Ben's father, Phoenix and Rio's grandfather, passed away suddenly on March 16.

Back "home" in Norway

Rio sleeping in his stroller while we grilled. 

Norwegians pull their kids behind their skis in these sleds. I so want one!

Our view. 

Reunited!

Phoenix didn't want to sit next to Mama. He clearly signed "No. Papa." when I tried to sit down!

First the first time in my life, I went "home" (the home of my childhood in Algonquin, Illinois, USA) just for a visit. I've lived in other parts of the world but never for long enough that I would actually go home to visit. So this was a first for me...to leave...to rush around trying to see everybody...to land in a city that is my now my home but yet so temporary. 

My 2 week visit to the US was a whirlwind. I was actually in Chicagoland only one week and spent the other week between Minnesota and Michigan. There was a very sad moment when I realized I couldn't see "everybody" and that made me just want to go home to Norway. If I couldn't see everyone I didn't want to be there. But of course, I'm thankful for the time that I did spend with my family and some friends. 

Now I'm just trying to process it all. I had some great conversations with dear friends that both inspired me and gave me a lot to think about. I love them all and am so grateful for their friendship. 

It was fun to come home to Ben and Phoenix (although on the international flight Rio cried every 30 seconds for about 5 hours!) and know that where ever my husband and kids are is my home. 

SURPRISE!

I've been home in the States since Thursday, February 12. I decided to surprise my dad on his 79th birthday. Neither of my parents knew that Rio and I were coming. My parents were out to dinner with my brother for the occassion and we just walked in casually with my sister-in-law. It wasn't before I was inches away from the table that the realized it was me! It was so fun to surprise them! And then drop the bomb that I'm pregnant too! My mom looked like she'd seen a ghost when she saw me and Rio. I'll post pictures soon.

Its just me and Rio because we're saving money to move back to the US eventually so Ben and Phoenix (since his ticket cost 80% of an adult ticket) stayed behind. I miss them...

Dress-up and distress

Dress-up was so fun! Totally worth the money for these adorable outfits. The cowboy one is my favorite!

Distress. Ugh, I'm still recovering from the weekend. Ben has been out-of-town at a funeral for 5 days.  Thank God he's coming home tonight and for the moment I never want him to leave me alone in Tromsø again!

This part of the post is going to blame Tromsø for everything! But the big thing is that motherhood is not easy for me. Well, mothering two kids that is. My anger issues and now my compulsive overeating disorder (self-diagnosed but I'm definitely going down that road if I don't get some control) started with the birth of Rio. I'm sure I had these issues before but having 2 kids just brought it clearly to the surface (maybe a good thing). Oh no, what will child #3 bring out in me? 

So I went to the gym on my new membership. Kept getting interrupted by the daycare provider. But no problem. I was thankful that someone was watching them so that I could work out. I thanked them a million times and thanked Phoenix and Rio too. 

I was excited to take the kids to a free music concert, part of the Northern Lights Festival. We got kicked out basically because Phoenix BREATHED and I just flipped. THERE IS NOTHING TO DO HERE AND NO CULTURAL EXPERIENCES AVAILABLE FOR KIDS. I HATE IT SO MUCH. I CAN'T JUST GO FOR HIKE WITH THEM ALL THE TIME! 

I've been keeping it together for awhile as Ben has had shoulder surgery and can't help at all with the kids' basic needs (changing diapers, getting them dressed, pick up/delivery at daycare) and now him being gone. 

It was just too much. I really had a break down and it continued today. AND NOW Ben just called to say that his plane was cancelled due to strong winds (but he's a prankster so I'm sure if I actually believe him!). 

Anyway, I totally failed as a parent. I lost it on my kids in a really bad way. I'm constantly asking myself, "Why can't I do this? Why can't I handle it? Why am I so unsure about my decisions?" All in relationship to being a parent. Thank God I have good friends who can be honest with me about their own parenting struggles. Often I feel so alone in this struggle but I am grateful that I'm not. I just need to share it with people instead of just trying to handle it all on my own or with an apology. 

There is so much more but now its late and I'm just emotionally exhausted. 

Cute pictures though, huh? So grateful that there is so much joy to be had despite life's junk.  

Obamicon.me

Dinner

I ate this fish for dinner tonight! YIKES! Look at those teeth! Ben told me that once they bite they don't let go, even if you cut their heads off! 

It tasted about as good as it looked, despite the sour cream, tomato puree, garlic, onion and black olives! OK, it really wasn't that bad. I took seconds and doggie bag home from our neighbor's. 

In Norwegian it is called steinbit (literally "rock bite"). I guess its a type of wolf fish? 

To see more disturbing pictures go here. 

Phoenix as Ancient Roman Senator

Post-shower fun! Can you think of some quotes for these pictures? 

My cute first born

10 words for 2009

i took this idea from i am bossy. new year's resolutions in 10 words. short and sweet. can you do it? please share.

more.

sleep.

exercise.

god.

creative evenings.

economically wise.

love.

less anger. 

I haven't posted in forever because...

- i took a pregnancy test and it was positive!!! yes, joy. yes, we were "trying". 

(BY THE WAY, PLEASE DON'T TALK ABOUT THIS. MY PARENTS DON'T KNOW YET, NOR DO MY CO-WORKERS AND I'D LIKE IT TO STAY THAT WAY UNTIL I'M PAST THE THIRD TRIMESTER IN FEBRUARY. thank you for respecting this.)

but quickly came the, OH SHIT! and fear, depression. mostly related to phoenix. i really wanted to be back in the US so that phoenix could begin school (he's already missed one year) and get the therapies he needs and deserves. almost no services exist here, none that phoenix qualifies for at least, and the school system is the worst in europe. if we do have to stay (unstable job market in the US, an ENTIRE YEAR of paid maternity leave here) i'll home school phoenix and rio part-time and have them in daycare the rest of the time so that i can take care of the newborn. but, again, i just wonder if things would be better in the US. i know that i miss home and friends a lot.

-all in all, i just want to sleep all the time. i am lazy and have no motivation no matter how hard i try. then i get mad at myself for the self-pity. but i'm so blessed and believe in a god of love who will provide me with anything i need!!!! 

- other than that big stuff, rio and i will be visiting the US to attend a friend's wedding in february (couldn't afford the nearly full-price ticket for phoenix too). we'll arrive on my dad's birthday and surprise him while he's out to dinner with my mom and brother. my sister-in-law is planning it. can't wait!

- had the worst christmas on record! as i've written before, my husband is a jehovah's witness so there's no celebrating anything. i try to celebrate, to keep some traditions going, but it is really hard. it just feels empty and fake to celebrate "a little" but not ALL of it. i sulked for 2 days and cried a lot. how are we going to solve this problem in the future? will we have any traditions? i think they're important and build family bonds. UGH. hate this time of the year. and in norway it's like christmas doesn't end until new year's so i'm just feeling suffocated all the time. 

- still, i baked my first turkey and had all the trimmings...green bean casserole, baked sweet potatoes with marshmallows, creamed corn casserole with jiffy corn bread mix (my mom brought over 6 boxes when she visited last year), homemade stuffing (sucked) and trader joe's corn bread muffins (christmas gift from my mom).

- ben has been amazing though. i couldn't ask for a more "close-to-perfect" husband. he ENJOYS housework and i hate it. and never complains that i'm lazy while he's cleaning. he's amazing. i was sick in bed for 2 days and he did EVERYTHING without complaining even though he is plagued with back aches and headaches lately. he's just amazing. i hate that i still want perfection from him. i want to be thankful for what i have.

BLAH! BLAH! BLAH! let's blame this pity-party and all the tears attached to it on the pregnancy. 

-oh, and i read THE MEMORY KEEPER'S DAUGHTER. totally worth reading but i'm still pissed about it!